It's been awhile; sorry, I'm not much of a letter writer. I know it's kinda short notice, but I wanted to send you a letter, as it's looking like you're gonna be my only hope this year (the rest of the family has been hanging out with shegazelle, and reading Normal is Broke...she's turning them into tightwads; except for Rick--he was already a tightwad).
At any rate, I wanted to send you a list of things I'd like this year (all of them should be doable, I think, since I haven't asked you for anything for a few years). I saw you last week at the mall; I tried to come sit on your lap and tell you all this in person, but one of your elves (the kinda skinny, short guy, with the really bad complexion and nasally sounding voice) said that I was "too big". What a jerk. Maybe you can have a talk with him, let him know that his behavior doesn't really embody the spirit of Christmas.
Anyways, these are listed in no particular order (as I'm sure you'll bring them all).
•A new MacBook Pro: I finally visited the Apple store, and I'm in love. By the way, if you want to save a little money, talk to Andrew; he got one for $700.
•Laser hair removal: the face should be enough. I HATE shaving, and Shawna says that facial hair makes her want to pour Simple Green on my face, and dip my head in a mop bucket. I priced it out; $3,000.
•A new queen sized matress: I only get charged for 1/2 of this one because it's for Shawna too. Her back's been killing her every morning (shegazelle isn't the only one with a crummy matress). We have a Eastern King bed now, but we don't want to replace it with the same size. First, do you know how difficult it is to find an Eastern King sized comforter in California (I actually fixed that; I cut 8 inches off of the side of the matress. Come to think of it, maybe that's why Shawna's back hurts; I cut it off of her side)? Second, if we replace it with a queen sized bed, I'll get a nightstand! I don't have one now because it won't fit in the room with the massive bed.
•Personalized plates: I'd LOVE to have "MYNDFUD"! I'm not sure whether it's available or not, but I'm sure you know someone at the DMV.
•A book: not just ANY book; a signed Stephen King book. It's the one author I love who's missing from my signed book collection. A first edition, first printing of "The Stand" would be fantastic, but any will do.
•Yamaha Motif: I'd LOVE a baby grand piano in gloss black finish, but unless your budget this year includes a new, slightly larger house (or a significant remodel to our existing home), I'll have to settle for the keyboard. But oh, what a keyboard! It's a dream! Imagine: playing a keyboard that I DON'T have to beat on to get the sustain pedal to work.
•More books: basically, all of the books listed on my Amazon wishlist (except for the textbook about psychiatric conditions; Shawna added that one--a hint I think--but I don't think I need it; neither do I).
•A flag lapel pin: I've noticed that people who wear American flag pins on their lapels end up on TV quite often. Not that I really care to be on TV; but it would be cool to be that famous. It seems that flag pins are the ticket.
•An iron: ours has some strange scum on it, and it keeps ruining my shirts.
•A new straw cowboy hat: mine is falling apart, and Shaniqa absolutely LOVES the thing. A replacement would REALLY make her day.
•A "Lucky Charms" t-shirt. I've always wanted one--I don't know why.
•A new suit: I'm one suit poorer since a family of moths (I think I know who invited them, but I'm not saying) chewed random polka dots into one of mine. I tried to repair it, but a Sharpie doesn't do a very good job of covering moth holes). So, I'm thinking something in charcoal grey, with a light chalk pinstripe.
That's about all I can think of at the moment. If I come up with anything else, I'll let you know. Otherwise, I'll see you in a week or so.
PS: Gentry said to remind you about the "weal" gun and the skatebowd. And Lex said to mention something about a bedroom set; she said you'd know what she was talking about.
OH: I don't know if you've got "PJ" in your rolodex; it's short for:
Paul Green, Jr.