Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Thanks for the reminder, God.

I am so ashamed.

I have had an altogether rotten day here at work; a coworker stopped by my office earlier today to, in my mind, remind me of my various inadequacies, and to affirm my deep fear that I'm nothing more than a joke-that I'll not amount to anything.

And so I decided to buy lunch for the office staff-in hopes that in doing so, I'd establish myself as valuable in somebody's mind around here. I went to the sandwich shop and picked it up; brought it back, delivered the sandwiches and salads around to the various suitably grateful, and gratifyingly thankful folks who work here. Then I took my sandwich back to the safe seclusion of my office, settled in for twenty minutes or so of browsing the net, reading-enriching myself, and trying to forget how worthless I felt.

Of course, I had to check in on the blog-to see how things were (as if anything might have happened in my absence). I clicked, for some reason, on the link to Tony Woodlief's blog (if you can't tell by now, I truly admire him), and surfed around there for a moment...and found this page:

http://www.tonywoodlief.com/caroline/

And now, a little over an hour later, I sit here at my computer, a crumbled up, tear dampened Quizno's napkin at my elbow, eyes still a little moist-because the story is sad, and it shames me. In so many ways-I can't even list them here, let alone describe them.

And, more than anything right now, I so desperately want to be home-to grab up Lex and Gentry, and to hold them so tight they squirm, and kiss them, and tell them how much I love them and cherish them. And to hold Shawna tightly for a moment-at least until she pushes away, and gives me that puzzled but pleased look. And to say sorry.

And I will. But I'm ashamed too-because somewhere along the way, I've fallen into the trap; I've looked at all my problems, and determined that the appropriate thing to do is to talk about your problems to other people, then feel sorry for yourself; and if you can muster up just the right mixture of sorrow and quiet stoicism, people will admire you for it.

I'm sorry.

At the end of the day, in comparison-I have no problems; I have no sorrow or grief (at least none which aren't self-imposed). And, I'm ashamed for acting as though I did.

God, please forgive me; and thank you so much for the simple blessings.

2 comments:

michel russ said...

That was great! You're right... somehow almost always seem to overlook the "simple" blessings that come our way. Why? I suppose the reason is because we're too hooked on gazing in awe at our "problems." I had a really great dose of inspiration a couple days ago... let me explain.
While writing a friend, I told them to look for God and His blessings in the little/simple things. It was then, just like a bolt of lightening, this thought came to mind. God doesn't always come in a thunder. However, the blessings he sends sometime come as the fine mist that sprinkles from the heavens...it isn't really a soaking rain and you don't seem to be getting real wet but nevertheless, those droplets are coming in contact with you and changing whatever they land on. It's like those simple things that we take for granted; they are there but sometimes we rarely recognize them.
Keep the faith! You're human, but it's good to stop and recognize what's what when you're feeling down and out. If you can do that, then you've mastered what so many others in this world have not.

PJ said...

As always, Michel-thanks for stopping by. I enjoy hearing from you. The analogy is fantastic, by the way. It would be easy to stop and take notice if we were being constantly drenched by the downpour of blessings. But-oh so easy to overlook the constant spray! Thank you again Michel!