I am so ashamed.
I have had an altogether rotten day here at work; a coworker stopped by my office earlier today to, in my mind, remind me of my various inadequacies, and to affirm my deep fear that I'm nothing more than a joke-that I'll not amount to anything.
And so I decided to buy lunch for the office staff-in hopes that in doing so, I'd establish myself as valuable in somebody's mind around here. I went to the sandwich shop and picked it up; brought it back, delivered the sandwiches and salads around to the various suitably grateful, and gratifyingly thankful folks who work here. Then I took my sandwich back to the safe seclusion of my office, settled in for twenty minutes or so of browsing the net, reading-enriching myself, and trying to forget how worthless I felt.
Of course, I had to check in on the blog-to see how things were (as if anything might have happened in my absence). I clicked, for some reason, on the link to Tony Woodlief's blog (if you can't tell by now, I truly admire him), and surfed around there for a moment...and found this page:
And now, a little over an hour later, I sit here at my computer, a crumbled up, tear dampened Quizno's napkin at my elbow, eyes still a little moist-because the story is sad, and it shames me. In so many ways-I can't even list them here, let alone describe them.
And, more than anything right now, I so desperately want to be home-to grab up Lex and Gentry, and to hold them so tight they squirm, and kiss them, and tell them how much I love them and cherish them. And to hold Shawna tightly for a moment-at least until she pushes away, and gives me that puzzled but pleased look. And to say sorry.
And I will. But I'm ashamed too-because somewhere along the way, I've fallen into the trap; I've looked at all my problems, and determined that the appropriate thing to do is to talk about your problems to other people, then feel sorry for yourself; and if you can muster up just the right mixture of sorrow and quiet stoicism, people will admire you for it.
At the end of the day, in comparison-I have no problems; I have no sorrow or grief (at least none which aren't self-imposed). And, I'm ashamed for acting as though I did.
God, please forgive me; and thank you so much for the simple blessings.