Saturday, May 16, 2009

America's Greatest Threat

MyndFood Readers:

It is with great solemnity that I write this post. I read, this afternoon, with great horror, about a brave legislator from North Carolina (Congressman G.K. Butterfield) who has devoted himself to fighting the newest silent enemy to attack unsuspecting Americans everywhere.

And, in support of his valiant fight, I post this, asking you, faithful reader, to send a letter to your local congressman asking them to please support the "Don't Let The Bedbugs Bite Act of 2009". I have, for your benefit, included below sample text for you to include in your letter, but first I would like to give you some statistics.

Bedbugs are, according to Butterfield, a force to be reckoned with. They are known to have attacked every state in the Union en masse. They are easily transferable: they jump into suitcases and travel across borders. And they can go for up to a year without food.

While they aren't carriers of any disease (that is, you won't get sick if you're bitten by one), they are a distinct public health concern because, as Michael Potter of the University of Kentucky (the leading US authority on bedbugs--which doesn't seem like much of a feat, if you ask me; how many people, really, have devoted their academic career to studying bedbugs, for goodness' sake?) says, bedbugs often cause great emotional distress to their victims. "They're, like, ready to blow their brains out," says Potter (although, if you ask me, a person is already in pretty bad shape emotionally if bedbugs cause them to contemplate suicide).

Butterfield's proposed legislation would allocate $50 million to programs to help train public health officials about these diabolical critters. Further, it would require that public health departments submit Bedbug plans to the federal government, and would require the CDC to research the impact of bedbugs on mental health.

It's a relief knowing that our elected officials are committed to our protection, and are working on our behalf on the issues that really matter. So, with that, I ask you to please copy the following text into an email to your local legislator; let him know how important an issue this is.

Dear Legislator:

I am writing to ask you to please support Rep. G.K. Butterfield's proposed legislation, the "Don't Let The Bedbugs Bite Act of 2009".

Bedbugs are, very possibly, the single most important issue that we, as a nation, face today. National security, global unrest, the economy, the health of big business and unemployment pale in comparison to this enormous issue.

Bedbugs, while they don't carry any communicable diseases, bring great emotional trauma to those who are afflicted with them--even pushing some to the point of suicide. That's un-American. Our government MUST do something!

We must understand how to identify bedbugs--that's why I support the $50 million that Rep. Butterfield has allocated to bedbug training. And we must understand the emotional effects--which is why I support Butterfield's plan to push the Centers For Disease Control to spend their time and resources studying the psychological effects of bedbugs (the CDC has the swine flu thing pretty much under control, right? What else is there for them to work on?). Finally, though, if the crisis on Wall Street has taught us anything, it's that we CANNOT TRUST business--which is why I support Butterfield's plan to require many businesses to submit bedbug control plans to the federal government for approval.

No cost is too great, no expense too extreme, if it saves us from this "Insect of Evil", these insect brokers of terror. We must fight, and we must prevail.

And so, I ask you, legislator, to lead the charge!


[your name]

1 comment:

The Eccles said...

You are hilarious. Actually I read this same thing last night. But unfortunately I did not look at it from a good American's point of view that is determined to ensure our tax dollers and efforts are put to good use... but rather as a person that is a finatic about cleanliness. I didn't even consider the extreme amount of money and effort being put into these bugs... but rather ran to Shane and said "I never want to stay in a hotel again... this is so disgusting!!!" =)