Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Bubble Gum Weight Loss is Bunk

I feel as though the rug has been ripped out from under me; as though all that I believe, the very foundation of my moral being has been shaken to it's core. I'm unseated, unsettled and undone.

Dad came over the other evening. He was holding an open magazine when he walked in. He handed it to me with no explanation, and stood staring expectantly at me. I looked down.

It was folded open to a full-page picture of a girl blowing a bubble-gum bubble. It said "your life" at the bottom, and at the top were the words that, perhaps, will ever change my life. It said this:

Q: How can I indulge my sweet tooth without going overboard?
A: Chew a piece of gum. A recent study found that people who chewed gum before a sweet snack ate 50 fewer calories.

Woe is me.

With those few innocuous words, a cornerstone of MyndFood has been brutally yanked away, and this, my humble blog, is left on shaky ground. For it would seem that the March issue of "Weight Watchers" magazine has shown that bubble gum IS worthwhile.

Why is Dad reading Weight Watchers magazine?

Ah! But wait! This doesn't disprove my premise. In fact, it's unrelated. Bubble gum, I contend, is psychologically damaging in that it requires the chewer to chew, to no avail. The act of chewing was intended, by God, to break down food. Gum will not--can not--be broken down by chewing it, so in attempting to do so we set ourselves up for failure. Over time, with any substantive amount of gum-chewing, we condition our minds to ACCEPT failure, we resign ourselves, subconsciously, to defeat. And ultimately we end up with a society filled with perpetual losers, misfits and miscreants, delinquents and even criminals.

All because they've chewed gum.

On the upside, if they happened to have chewed it just prior to desert, they're probably slimmer than they might have been (we know that thanks to Weight Watchers magazine's research). The net result is SLIMMER delinquents, but delinquents nonetheless.

Weight Watchers has no idea what they're doing.

1 comment:

Mrs. Willman said...

I wonder if brushing the teeth is morally wrong, even though we don't chew it, except if you were a two year old trying to brush your teeth. But the toothpaste even though it breaks down in a different form,(liquid) it does not disolve unless you spit. Just a thought. So, if chewing gum is wrong, even though it helps maintain fresh breath, and even though the gum itself doesn't break down, the juices are digestable. They even have gatorade gum, and power drinks formed in gum now. Even though they may help people eat less, which results in losing weight it may be beneficial. It may be morally right, if it helps maintain a healthy weight. Though it doesn't break down, the juices or nutrients break down in liquid form helping your body digest faster than if it were solid food.
Speaking of morally right or wrong, is it good to eat a twinke, even after studies if left a lone would not break down for 75 years, nor melt in the microwave.